new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
