I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
