just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
