In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
