Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
