"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
