Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
