I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
