so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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