When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
