He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
