You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This gyro tastes like lonliness
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
