Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
