guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i will never coherently bang her
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
