Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
