She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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