After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
