she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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