i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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