My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
