there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
