There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
