got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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