Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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