He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize