when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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