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Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
