Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
