i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
