The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
