her vagina looked like bernie madoff
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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