Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
