Your favorite bartender is back from prision
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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