The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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