I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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