at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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