i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
