I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
