dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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