Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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