Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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