I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
