I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
His nipple licking is glorious
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