You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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