omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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