The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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