My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
