"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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