What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
