My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
