i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you never un-have a 4some
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
