Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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