What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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