Me too!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize