If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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