i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
