he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
