I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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