Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
