the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
