they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
