Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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