last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
