I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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